Don’t Go Short On Inclusion – Be-Long by Fliss Goldsmith (she/her)

As humans we are designed for connection. Even the most introverted amongst us has a basic requirement for some authentic connections with other humans. So why then is it, in an era where we are able to connect anywhere, anytime in multiple ways that we seem more disconnected than ever? Simply and sadly because there are too few spaces in which we truly belong.

One of the most astounding realisations for me came from reading ‘Atlas of the Heart’ by Researcher and Emotions expert Brene Brown. She posed the question, ‘What is the opposite of Belonging?’ The answers came as you may expect in the form of, ‘lonely,’ ‘alone’, ‘isolated’, ‘left out’. The truth of the matter is much more complex, you see the opposite of belonging is actually fitting in.

For me that was a harrowing realisation as it immediately flung me back to being 16 years old and immersed in a world where all I wanted to do was fit in. It is common in teenagers to find themselves here because they are figuring out who they are and what they want and struggling to know who their tribe are. The problem is, this appears to seep into adulthood and really begin the rot. Many of us find ourselves into our 20’s, 30’s, 40’s, 50’s and beyond not knowing our values, who we are and where the boundaries lie.

The antidote to feeling so adrift is to ‘fit in’. Fitting in is a nice, simple exercise in which you subconsciously scan your environment making mental notes of what is acceptable and what is not and then you simply adapt to fit the avatar.  This could be something as commonplace as wearing clothes that match your peers, or using language that reflects your workplace. It can also include some much less obvious and more sinister mimicking like denying your sexual orientation or cultural heritage.

When we try to fit in, we mould ourselves into something which is not authentically us. It seems easier to do this that to do the uncomfortable figuring out of who we are and then stand out in honouring it. What happens though, is that in fitting in against our innate qualities we betray ourselves. There is no greater betrayal in our lives than when we betray ourselves because this erodes all trust across relationships, situations, and spaces.

If then we need to do less fitting in and more belonging, where do we even start after a lifetime of denial? It’s a good question and the answers are not always simple or comfortable, but I promise you they are MORE than worth pursuing. Below I am going to give some examples of what fitting in v belonging looks like and also some ideas for how you can begin to move towards that authentic connection to yourself, to others and the spaces you inhabit.

Example 1: Fitting In

Gina is a lesbian, but she doesn’t feel comfortable being out in her job as a teacher, the school doesn’t do anything about LGBTQIA+ lived experiences except for a few box ticking exercises in June for Pride. In the Staff Room Gina is asked by another teacher where she met her boyfriend Sam. Gina doesn’t correct the other teacher who has assumed Gina’s sexuality and also the gender of her partner. She feels sad and pained as she carries on the discussion.

Example 1: Belonging

Gina works at a school that proactively supports LGBTQIA+ lived experiences. Gina has the same conversation but feels confident in politely correcting the other teacher, who takes accountability and apologises.

Example 2: Fitting In

Leone is Non-Binary and is interviewing for a role with a finance corporation. The interviewers assume she identifies as female and continue to refer to Leone using, she/her pronouns. Leone feels huge distress at being misgendered but decides to say nothing as they can see no visual signs that this is a safe space to correct and disclose the information. They leave bursting into tears on leaving the building.

Example 2: Belonging

Leone attends the same interview and is welcomed by the interviewer who she notes is wearing a Pride pin badge even though it is November. He introduces himself by saying, ‘Hi, I’m Denzel and my pronouns are he/him can I ask yours Leone?’ Leone immediately feels welcome and safe. They explain they are non-binary and use they/them pronouns. The interview goes brilliantly as Leone can focus on showing their experience and authentic brilliance.

These are just 2 examples of where we fit in because we feel it is easier or safer to do so, but the fall-out in doing so is damaging to our mental and physical health.

5 Top Tips for Belonging

1. Know your own values – work with an experienced practitioner, online course or book as a guide to know who you are and what matters to you.
2. Hold strong boundaries – This is the line between what is acceptable and what is not OK for you.
3. Communicate clearly and kindly – get used to saying No firmly but politely, or correcting someone if they assume something incorrectly.
4. Advocate in your workplace – If you are in a strong position personally advocate for an intentionally inclusive workspace to show easily accessible signs of Belonging – flags, unisex toilets, mobility adaptations, multi-cultural celebration, neuro-diverse support etc.
5. Demonstrate Accountability – We ALL get it wrong sometimes and part of the process is being able to apologize, calmly and genuinely, and commit to better going forward calmly but genuinely.

The benefits of being able to belong to yourself, your connections and your spaces are immense. Mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual health are all positively impacted through finding your path to belonging.

I’m glad you found this article for Proud Wellness, and you are seen, heard, respected and absolutely belong here.

Fliss Goldsmith is an Emotional Wellness and Empowerment Coach based in Derbyshire. She has over 2 decades of experience working across many sectors with LGBTQIA+ adults and young people. She co-created Pride in Belper welcoming over 5,000 people a year to their town. Fliss identifies as an Asexual Woman. Her interests include baking (and eating the produce!) and writing, which has helped her navigate many of her trials in life. A C-PTSD, chronic illness, and disability warrior, she knows that every human is intersectional and must be met where they are without judgement – her job is to craft a supportive path and modality to help them get where they want to go.

Fliss also hosts the FREE (and always will be) Podcast ‘The Way Forward’ which is your one-stop shop for relatable and empowering ideas, insight, and support on all your mental and emotional wellness needs - available here: https://the-way-forward.captivate.fm/

 Website: www.codesignwithfliss.co.uk

Instagram: (@codesignwithfliss) https://www.instagram.com/codesignwithfliss/