Like A Boss: Leading With Authenticity by Assamiya (she/her)

I feel kind of sorry for some of the poor schmucks who’ve tried to manage me over the years. At the first sign of inconsistency, feet-of-clay or a self-defensive “do as I say and not as I do” from them, I’d be a thorn in their managerial side. It turns out that my intolerance to poor leadership was a precursor to discovering my own desire to lead.

I’ve historically had a pretty complex combination of delight in performance, creative flair, low self worth, shame-bound joy and a vicious inner-critic going on internally. Figuring out how to provide good, authentic leadership has been a long process, but one I’m utterly delighted to be undertaking. 

Heart Song Collective

In Spring 2022 (after a small ‘firing’ incident), I knew I wanted to create a singing community of my own, and lead sessions that were all about feeling good. My background was in professional choral singing, and that was often so perfectionistic and anxiety-inducing for me, I wanted to create something utterly different… to reclaim singing as a joy and nourishment, for myself and others. I believe singing is the birthright of every human, not just those privileged few with a formal music education and parents/teachers who encouraged them. 

Since that September, I’ve been leading a weekly singing for wellbeing practise called Song Medicine in my local area of SE London. I designed it, I lead it and I love it! Our small community is growing gently as my capacity grows, and I also lead sessions at festivals each Summer. I’ve learned so much about being an authentic leader just by getting on with it - fantastically imperfectly - and I’m delighted to share what I’ve learned with you all.

1. RADICAL SELF-RESPONSIBILITY

Leadership comes with the dual qualities of power and responsibility. As far as I’m concerned, authentic leadership is about power with and power to, NOT power over (unless you’re in a consensual kink dynamic). This means that the buck stops with me: I am responsible for ensuring I’m well nourished, well rested and well resourced for the work I undertake. If I am unable to complete something I’ve committed to, I’m responsible for communicating that and making the necessary requests for any help or flexibility needed. 

2. FORGIVE YOURSELF FAST

Being a song leader means that I’m super visible, so when I get something wrong, I get it wrong publically. This can be torture for those of us with a strong inner-critic! My advice: when you make a mistake, name it immediately (take accountability) and forgive yourself as quickly as you’re able. Drown out your inner critic’s voice with gentle, compassionate self-talk (I often do this bit out loud in front of my singers, so they get the modelling). 

Enquire about the impact caused, listen with empathy, and make suitable apologies where needed. There are lots of books on how to apologise in a powerful way, and I recommend you get good at this. If you’re too scared to take risks in case you screw-up and have to apologise, you’re potentially holding out on those you could be serving more powerfully. 

3. BOSS YOUR BOUNDARIES

As soon as you create a policy around something, you’ll be provided an opportunity to stick to your guns, or to sell yourself out. It might be about your refund policy, your cancellation policy, or your “the doors close at xxx time” boundary. Consistency and clear boundaries from a leader create safety for those who follow them. Your clients will trust you more in the long run, and will be inspired by your obvious self-regard. 

If saying no and reinforcing boundaries is something you struggle with, I implore you to work on that, for your own sake, and for those you seek to serve. A well boundaried leader is a better-resourced leader, and will empower and inspire others to follow suit. We can’t change the World for the better if we’re constantly tired and drained from managing our energy and resources poorly!

4. BE PREPARED TO BE DISLIKED

Being an authentic leader means saying no to people sometimes, and standing up for your values. Some of those things may feel hard, scary or vulnerable to say (especially as LGBTQIA+ folks), and you may find some gnarly emotions or fight/flight/freeze/fawn reactions coming up. Take care of your nervous system and ensure that you are as resourced as possible for these hard conversations. You can find some good tips here. 

Those receiving your words may also get triggered: they may feel guilt, shame or anger and become defensive, argumentative, sulky, pushy or go into victim mode. Holding yourself and the other in compassion as much as possible will help prevent escalation into conflict. Staying within your nervous system’s window of tolerance is the key here (read more). 

5. ALIGNMENT SPEAKS VOLUMES

As a community leader, I am constantly showing whether I practise what I preach, in ways I am aware of and ways I’m not. The kinds of snacks I provide, the marketing copy I write, the pricing structure for my events and how I actively include queer voices in my spaces all affect my singers’ sense of safety with me. 

6. ACTIVELY SEEKING FEEDBACK

Asking my community/clients to feed back to me regularly about their experiences is such a valuable process, and one I’m a bit inconsistent with. I am keen to know my blind spots and finesse my offerings, and my community have all the information I need to do that! When it comes to implementing changes to how I practise, it’s important that I don’t stray from my own vision in order to people-please, and that I go at the pace that’s right for me. 

7. OWN IT!

Nobody can give you permission to be a leader except you. If you inspire others to follow, that can be really validating, but ultimately, your sense of legitimacy comes from within. Stay connected with your ‘why’, who you seek to serve, and trust yourself. You’ve got this!

Assamiya (she/her) is a Song Leader, Director of Heart Song Collective CIC and a 1-2-1 Self-expression Coach, who lives and works in lovely leafy South East London. She has almost twenty years experience as a professional musician, seven years as a transformational coach and fourteen years on her own healing path. Private coaching sessions can be arranged by email ([email protected]) and you can read all about her singing events at www.heartsongcollective.co.uk. 

Assamiya is a baby queer, having bloomed later in life, and identifies proudly as bisexual and polyamorous. She has two wonderful partners and lives with a gorgeous, grumpy rescue cat called Gizmo.